I Want My Choice Back!

I’ve documented recently about how well I seem to be doing, and I can’t stress how important it is to me to ensure I keep fighting and keep pushing because for once in this miserable journey, it’s actually working. 

However, while everything seems to be going well, I’m noticing anxiety beginning to creep it’s way in and I’ll be honest, I’m not happy about it. 

It’s nothing major, and it’s totally manageable, but those tiny thoughts in the back of your mind are beginning to attach themselves to the new things I’m able to do in a bid to steal them away from me. Don’t get me wrong, the bastard isn’t having them and I’ll fight it to the bitter end in order to retain my new found freedom, but it has made me realise I shouldn’t be too cocky or dismissive of how anxiety can make me feel. 

I’m a strong believer in fighting anxiety, I’ve done it for a long time and it’s working to give me a better life. When I’m offering advice to people, fighting is the only way I can describe it, because that’s exactly what we need to do. However, with that fight comes complacency, and I feel I’ve become too complacent with ensuring I keep on top of my progress and self-therapy to ensure I remain in control. In turn, this creates a new anxiety for me where I’m now scared of going back to how I was, to the darkness that was my miserable life. 

I think what I’m trying to say is I’ve always known anxiety is a part of my life, but I never realised 100% that anxiety will probably ALWAYS be a part of my life and in order to stay in control, I’ve got to remain on the ball. 

I can’t tell you how much this terrifies me. Not from an anxiety point of view but from a place where I think ‘do I really want this for the next 50 (if I’m lucky) years? Annoyingly, I don’t have a choice. 

I’m not sure what any of the above means, but I think I have it because I’m able to fight it. I always said I was given it for a reason and that reason seems to be to help others and stand with them in the fight with this awful and debilitating illness. And that’s what I hope to do. 


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