Often my thoughts tend to come out at night. Laid in bed, nothing but silence (and tinnitus) allows me to focus on what I’m thinking and what I’m doing about it. I used to be terrified of this time of day because i feared a lot of thoughts. Now I face up to them. And that’s what I’m doing now.
I spoke recently about some upcoming challenges, which will basically be my biggest triggers faced head on, so I thought I would elaborate before I go on the journey.
I’ve said before I always fight, I will always push forward against anxiety in the hope I’m doing something beneficial. I may succeed, but I might also fall and crumble, however it’s important to know that I WILL get back up, rebuild myself and try again.
I have two major triggers, huge crowded places where I can’t easily get out, and anything medical orientated. This is due to a fear of fainting which started 3 years ago (and discussed in this blog if you have a dig through), so what better way to try to learn something about my anxiety than to hit them head on??
So on Sunday I’ll be going to Legoland. I know it will be busy, I know I’m likely to hate it, and I know it’s going to make me really uncomfortable but it’s something I need to do for myself. Once I’m in I can do as much, or as little, as I like. As Long as I’m in there I’m doing well.
The second challenge is accompanying my girlfriend to a hospital scan (not baby yet, just to check her ovaries are still there or something). Anyway, I’ve discussed my fear of pregnancy and birth, so I thought what better way than to ease myself in than with a small visit to the hospital for a related procedure. All seems straight forward but I’m terrified. What if I panic, feel faint? What if it’s all the way inside the hospital and I can’t relax or escape. All the usual anxiety thoughts rushing through my mind, and I’m yet to face it.
Both challenges seem impossible in all honesty, however one thing I did want to say is how proud I am of last week. I worked hard, I faced challenges I never thought I would. I was able to not only go to different places, I was able to actually enjoy it. A year ago? When I bought tickets to a show, I gave myself 9 months to get ready for it, which seemed like hardly any time at all!
What happened? Absolutely nothing. I was able to sit down and enjoy the show. It was great.
So what does this tell me?
I’ll probably find the challenges so hard, it will feel like the peak of my anxiety. Is there risk it may send me back? Probably. Could it be my worst ever experience? Yes it could.
Without trying, I’m never going to know. So I challenge myself. I challenge myself to stand up to what ever it is that’s causing me anxiety. I’m going to go to legoland, be defiant and confident, and enjoy the day. I’m going to head into the hospital and do what is needed to be done. Both will be so hard but so very rewarding.
So with this post, I urge you to pick something that’s way out of your threshold. Be defiant against whatever anxiety is holding you back, and be very true to who you are.