I apologise now for the sad tone of this post, I’m feeling down so using my blog to try and let go of some of it.
I haven’t always had a huge circle of friends. I don’t know why, perhaps I’m too quiet, I haven’t met the right people, who knows. It’s never bothered me too much, the friends I had I would look after and do anything for and this was enough for me. However, recently things are changing and it’s really bothering me at the minute. I’ll explain.
This year is a big 3-0 birthday for me, and because of a definite oncoming midlife crisis, I want to go out of my twenties in style. I came up with the idea of a ‘no expense spared’ spa holiday, just me and my girlfriend, somewhere in this country (flying still isn’t an option for me) and I was really looking forward to it. Then from there, we would come home and arrange a weekend away, me and some friends and family, when I’d counted I was thinking around 10-12 of us to have a weekend together, having drinks and games, out for a slap up meal on the evening of my birthday, and generally have a great time. The sad thing? I can’t actually get anyone to come.
I asked my best mate, who said yes sheepishly, only to reveal he’s going with some other friends who kind of replaced me after anxiety took hold. I tried not to let it bother me, making it a family affair with just me, my close family, the GF and her close family. Now they’ve all pulled out, and my sister is saving for a holiday with her mate so won’t be able to go unless I pay half towards her cost.
So now it’s just me, my GF and my mum. That’s it. And it suddenly dawned on me while I was driving home – I’ve got absolutely no friends who I could ask to come along. No one. I’ve got literally one friend, and even he’s moved on.
I can’t help but feel really sad, and honestly quite lonely. Before anxiety I had a good social life, I went out a lot, visited friends but now I have nothing. Everyone’s moved on, created an opinion of me that I don’t think is true and I’m just stuck.
I’m a good person, I’m a nice guy, I’m genuine, generous and will do anything for anyone if they need me. I really don’t understand why I don’t have friends, I don’t know what I could do differently. My work colleagues are all very different to me, my GF’s friends are all much younger than me so even that is hard to do.
I just feel so lonely, and I don’t know how to find anything positive in that. I don’t know what I can do. ‘Try social events’ is be usual answer, but when you’re crippled with anxiety, that sometimes just isn’t an option.
I’m sure I’ll feel better soon, perhaps in a few days, but for now I’m all ‘blurgh’.
…happy new year!