Lone ranger

I apologise now for the sad tone of this post, I’m feeling down so using my blog to try and let go of some of it. 

I haven’t always had a huge circle of friends. I don’t know why, perhaps I’m too quiet, I haven’t met the right people, who knows. It’s never bothered me too much, the friends I had I would look after and do anything for and this was enough for me. However, recently things are changing and it’s really bothering me at the minute. I’ll explain. 

This year is a big 3-0 birthday for me, and because of a definite oncoming midlife crisis, I want to go out of my twenties in style. I came up with the idea of a ‘no expense spared’ spa holiday, just me and my girlfriend, somewhere in this country (flying still isn’t an option for me) and I was really looking forward to it. Then from there, we would come home and arrange a weekend away, me and some friends and family, when I’d counted I was thinking around 10-12 of us to have a weekend together, having drinks and games, out for a slap up meal on the evening of my birthday, and generally have a great time. The sad thing? I can’t actually get anyone to come. 

I asked my best mate, who said yes sheepishly, only to reveal he’s going with some other friends who kind of replaced me after anxiety took hold. I tried not to let it bother me, making it a family affair with just me, my close family, the GF and her close family. Now they’ve all pulled out, and my sister is saving for a holiday with her mate so won’t be able to go unless I pay half towards her cost. 

So now it’s just me, my GF and my mum. That’s it. And it suddenly dawned on me while I was driving home – I’ve got absolutely no friends who I could ask to come along. No one. I’ve got literally one friend, and even he’s moved on. 

I can’t help but feel really sad, and honestly quite lonely. Before anxiety I had a good social life, I went out a lot, visited friends but now I have nothing. Everyone’s moved on, created an opinion of me that I don’t think is true and I’m just stuck. 

I’m a good person, I’m a nice guy, I’m genuine, generous and will do anything for anyone if they need me. I really don’t understand why I don’t have friends, I don’t know what I could do differently. My work colleagues are all very different to me, my GF’s friends are all much younger than me so even that is hard to do. 

I just feel so lonely, and I don’t know how to find anything positive in that. I don’t know what I can do. ‘Try social events’ is be usual answer, but when you’re crippled with anxiety, that sometimes just isn’t an option. 

I’m sure I’ll feel better soon, perhaps in a few days, but for now I’m all ‘blurgh’. 

…happy new year! 

4 Comments

  1. I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m sorry everyone is letting you down on such a important day of your life. It must feel like a betrayal.

    It makes me very sad because I feel the same very often. There is literally just me and my partner. It’s hard I often feel lonely. I feel as if I’m a friendship failure. When I started to be depressed everyone scattered around and I had no desire to keep in touch at the time. Years later I find myself pretty much alone.

    It seems impossible to create meaningful relationships in adulthood. I wouldn’t even know where to start with that. I find it hard to get close to people. Often I met people who I would talk to and spend time with but it’d never click for some reason. I started to believe there was a problem with me and perhaps it is – I don’t open up, I’m shy and self-conscious or I open up too fast, I don’t like small talk and superficial beginnings. I guess I’m quite socially awkward. The longer this last the harder it is to talk to people, and I trust less.

    Thank you for opening up. It must be hard for you right now. I’m not sure if you find comfort in knowing you’re not alone feeling this way. Sending lots of love and support your way!

    Like

    1. Thank you so much for commenting. It does help a lot. I’m going to spend this year trying new ways to reach out and talk to people, that way I can offer people advice in my situation. Let’s see how I go! Thanks again

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  2. Hi, I’ve just found your blog and this is the strangest thing ever because I had the exact same thing happen on my recent 20th birthday. Like you I wanted to go out of my teen years with a bang. One by one all my friends and family cancelled so I ended up going out with just my sister to a local pub.

    I just wish people understood anxiety and realised what a big deal doing things like that actually is!
    I hope things get better. Look forward to reading more of your posts.

    Like

    1. Thanks for finding me! It doesn’t feel great when it happens does it? I’m just going to enjoy whatever it is that happens. Some people would love to go away with their mum and partner but can’t for whatever reason. It might not be rock & roll but it should be fun 🙂

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