When entering the world of CBT I was a terrified wreck, unsure of what was about to happen. I’d already had basic sessions which didn’t work for me, I was offered intense CBT, and I was desperate to try it so I did. I’m often asked, ‘did it work?’ And my reply is simple.
It saved my life.
I can’t say I was suicidal, because I wasn’t. But was I safe? No. My thought was ‘the only way this will ever stop is if I’m no longer able to think’. CBT changed all that and I’m forever grateful to my therapist.
During the therapy, perhaps the second session, we touched on my past. My therapist asked how my upbringing was, and we briefly touched on my parent’s separation. We discussed how it made me feel at the time, and how my emotions were up and down for the years after. As I talked, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief to offload even the smallest portion of information. And the outcome? It was clear after talking with the therapist that this is where my anxiety started. Maybe it was in a different form, but this was the beginning for me, and I’d never linked the two what so ever. I didn’t even know I had anxiety, so to be told, or even made to realise, that this was the root was like something finally clicked. Something finally made sense and it was such a liberating feeling.
As I’ve moved on, using my CBT tools I’ve managed to take some control of my anxiety, but I still have this overwhelming desire to get everything off my chest, to feel completely weight free of past guilt and anxiety, and move forward with a fresh mind.
I’ve decided I’m going to try counselling, probably paid so not to take up NHS places that others desperately need, and allow myself the opportunity to have someone listen to me. My family are so supportive, and I’m very lucky, but I crave that one person who will sit and listen to me ramble on about everything in my past that I have bottled up.
I don’t know what will happen, or even if I’ll feel comfortable to do so when I’m in there, but I have to try. I don’t know when, I guess when I’ve found someone, but here’s to finally feeling confident enough to do it