I wanted to write two posts today, one where I go back to my 10 year old self and tell him all the things I wish someone had told me and as a juxtaposition, I thought I would write a post on what I’d like my 70 year old self to come and say to me if he had the opportunity.
However, this is proving much harder than I thought. I’ve actually written the post 3 times and deleted everything, before writing what’s coming out of my fingers right now. I don’t know what 70 year old me would have to say. I know what I’d like him to say; that anxiety will disappear, that my strength will carry me to a completely panic free life, where I’m free to go anywhere and do anything I’ve always wanted to do.
I can’t guarantee this though, it’s a pipe dream. It’s the one thing I hang onto when I consider whether fighting is worth it. It’s the thing I tell myself over and over as I’m at my lowest point wondering if it will ever go away. But we can all dream, right?
Don’t get me wrong, I know that life could be far worse. I mean, I’m currently watching a program about a bloke who was born without a penis – I’m sure in a battle of “woe is me” he’s going to wipe the floor with me, but that doesn’t get rid of the desire to wish for a better life. I’m sure I’m not the only one to indulge in a bit of self pity once in a while, it’s what makes us human and keeps us emotive.
So what do I think the 70 year old me would have to say about my anxiety? God knows. I would HOPE he’d tell me that even with anxiety, I can live a fulfilled life where restrictions minimise year on year. I’d love for him to tell me that by mid 30s I was completely anxiety free. I’d hate for him to tell me that it gets worse. Whatever he would tell me, I know that only I can control that. What I do know is as long as I get to old age, with a family who love me and remain the person I am today, then anxiety will just be a companion along the way.
There is only one guarantee when it comes to what the 70 year old me would say: Stop using the hair loss shampoo. It’s expensive and you’ll still end up bald.