For as long as I remember, I’ve loved food. Sweet food, savoury food, the lot. I like trying it, experimenting with it, cooking it, eating it, everything about food is a dream to me. Although as much as I’d like to think that me and food have been good friends for a while, I’m afraid it’s not the case.
You see, when I was 10 and I guess my anxiety really started, I found comfort in food. As my mum worked all hours God would send, I was preparing my own dinners at 10, and what does a 10 year old prepare themselves when they’re hungry and feeling blue? Let me tell you, it ain’t a salad.
20 years on and food is still a big deal for me. I lost 6 stone when I was 18, having ballooned to over 19 and a half stone. I was the most miserable I’d ever been so something had to be done – and I did it. It was done in a very healthy way, I was fitter, more confident, everything. Since then I’ve gone up (no higher than 17 stone) and I’ve gone down (13 stone), forever battling with my food demons, finding comfort in whatever I can shovel into my gob. I’ve often thought it’s just me. Food that I like just isn’t healthy and that’s that, but it isn’t. It isn’t food that’s destructive, but my relationship with food that’s destructive. Having a bad day? Call at the shop and buy chocolate. Feeling proud of my achievements, have cake to celebrate. Tough week at work? ‘Let’s get a takeaway tonight’. All the while racking up the calories and making myself more miserable. Having read a few blogs and watching some YouTube videos, I decided I want to try to change, and tomorrow is the day I do it.
I want to change for me. I want to take control. I feel horrible, I feel fat and I disgust myself when I know what I eat (1/3 of a red velvet cake tonight in fact. It was amazing, not going to lie).
Tomorrow is a new day. I’m not going to try and diet, or try and cut everything out all in one go. I’m going to gradually ease myself in and slowly change the way I look at food. I don’t need comfort food, there are many other things in my life that I can use for comfort.
I’m sorry this isn’t particularly anxiety driven, but I know many people will be in my position, so I will blog again in a few weeks on my progress. I want to lose 7 pound by the 4th March. Watch this space.