I want to break free

Sometimes in life were dealt things we don’t want to be faced with, and more often than not it lasts for just a day or two, then before you know it you’ve done what you were dreading and you’ve a few blissful months before the same person/situation is forcing you outside of your comfort zone once again. 

I’ve been there. In my last job I had to do training annually when I really didn’t want to, but I did it, got on with it and made it through the other side, and the infrequency of it suited me just fine. As someone who lacks confidence in certain situations such as this, I’ve always had the ‘dread’ when faced with going outside of what was comfortable, but I’ve usually been OK at dealing with it. However, it seems now it’s much more constant, and I’m not sure how long I want to go on feeling this way. 

I’ve briefly mentioned before on my Twitter feed how much I dislike my job. I’m quite ‘high up’, quite well paid and I’m pretty much my own boss. I’m very good at what I do (and have the confidence to say so) and take great pride in the work I produce, but for me that’s not enough. I need to feel happy, content and NOT anxious every single week. Here’s the deal. 

Recently I’ve been challenged a great deal, pushed into situations because my boss thinks it will help me, and to an extent, he’s got a point. I’m a great believer in being pushed outside of my comfort zone, taken into situations where I’m able to push the boundaries of my anxiety so my brain can learn new things. The problem I have is that when doing this, it’s on my terms, and for some reason these are on his. So now, I’m constantly anxious, repeatedly uncomfortable and always dreading what’s to come. 

Pair this with the fact that the effort I put into the company is completely under appreciated, never feeling like I’m able to express how I feel about things, and working in such a dark atmosphere, and what do you get? A constant bad mood, tight stomach and what I call ‘anxiety mode’. I’m forever on edge, wondering what will be said to me next, or what I’ll be expected to do at any given moment because ‘It’s good for me’. I’m repeatedly questioned, spoken to like crap (not without retaliation though, believe me) and made to feel s bit rubbish. When all of this is coupled together, along with issues stemming as far back as 3 years, you get one big ball of unhappiness. 

Now, I know what some of you will say: ‘leave. Get a new job.’ Etc etc. Well, firstly, as it stands I get too anxious in meetings, so interviews would be extremely difficult to face. Secondly, financially I’m just not able to. My dream is to go self employed then build up my own business in the same field, pushing my anxiety on my terms, but again the risks are too great for someone with a friend called anxiety. 

So for now, until I can build up my own work, it seems I’m trapped. I hate how that sounds, ‘I’m trapped’ but that’s how I feel, plodding along for 8 hours a day in an environment I absolutely detest, doing things that are making me physically ill. I have, however, made a promise to myself: it has to change. I have to get out for my own sanity. I deserve to feel appreciated, I want to love my work again. I want to be my own boss. I want to take control of my life. I want to break free!

1 Comment

  1. Totally get what you mean! The trappings of a wage to keep a roof above your head. Not sure of the answer but I guess its perception, fight and determination and you have this in bucket loads

    Like

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