Tough times recently folks.
For once, it’s not linked to my anxiety either, it’s more of a midlife crisis I guess.
After my holiday in July I had, as we all often do, a bit of holiday blues. The place was paradise for me, calm, relaxing and I felt at complete peace, so to come back to England was like being smashed in the face by a hammer made of crap weather and grey skies.
Naturally I thought it would pass and I’d get back into the rhythm of life and everything would soon be normal, however for me it hasn’t happened yet. I still really miss being on holiday, the completely stress free and anxiety free week I experienced and the sense of peace I felt while there.
What is plaguing me at the minute is the fact I’ve spent so long with my head down and ploughing through life looking for success, that now I’ve stopped and lifted my head, I feel completely lost.
Life as a kid was usual, however life as a teenager for me was very materialistic. We didn’t have much, so among peers it was my way of proving I was worth something, a status thing of ‘I’m not your typical single parent kid’. I was driven by the desire to be successful and look the part. My twenties again was materialistic, more as a way of proving I’d made it. I’d got the degree, I’d landed a job, worked my way up to a successful wage, nice car, nice house. That’s all that mattered, and that makes me feel so sad.
Now, I feel so different. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to live in comfort and don’t take anything for granted, but when I think about it now, is it all worth it?
I currently push papers for clients with corporate demands that is so uninspiring, demanding and often stressful. I’m trapped at a desk day-in-day-out dreaming of things I’d love to do, explore the world and learn about new cultures, I want to meet new people from all different backgrounds, I love to share my experiences of anxiety and mental health with people to help them. I feel like I want so much more than what I’ve currently got, and it’s nothing to do with material things. I want to experience stuff, I want to create things I’ve planned for so long but never done. I don’t want to exist. I want to live.
Me and my friend Bob (she knows who she is) have a pact, and when it’s done we’ll both have something we’re really proud of – and this is my first step to having a life I want to live.
If you’re stuck in a tunnel, with no light at the end, maybe it’s because YOU haven’t turned one on yet.