This post is a strange one for me, because I don’t really know where it’s come from. I’ve got negative feelings and I need to get them out there so here you go.
Unfortunately, even though anonymous, I feel very limited to what I can say as the situation is so unique, but to go from feeling very proud of myself for some work that I did, to very low about myself based on someone else’s insecurity makes me really sad. And this isn’t the first time this has happened.
Over the last 2 years or so, I’ve felt badgered and belittled by a particular group of people about my professionalism and input into certain areas. Remarks here and there, general seclusion and ‘complaints’ has really reduced my confidence.
I pride myself professionally on producing work to the highest standard possible. I push myself into areas I’m not overly comfortable with because this is what I feel is required of me to get the job done. I have incredible relationships with all clients that I work with because of the effort and passion I put into the job. I give it everything, yet for some reason I’m constantly battered down on the tiniest things, and for what?
I’ve only ever felt bullied once. This was in year 7, I was 12, and I had been threatened by someone about 2 foot taller than me who said they’d beat me up on a bus. After a few weeks everything died down, and that was that. I was then bullied a little in my old work place, but I had since become quite a confident person, so was very capable of sticking up for myself and that too was resolved. I always swore if ever I felt bullied I’d always stand up and push back against intimidation, and I have.
This is the first time though, in about 18 years that I’ve felt helpless. The group of people are of a higher position than me, and they’d be the people I went to about feeling bullied. I don’t feel mentally capable of looking for another job – my boss is very understanding of my mental health and knows my limitations (to an extent). My ultimate dream – to write a successful cook book – seems a bit of a pipe dream that is quite unlikely to give me any short term financial security. So thats that. I feel pretty stuck.
I’m sure everything works out in the end, and I’m sure at some point my stubbornness will go into overload and I’ll either dropkick someone or hand my notice in. Until then, I’ll keep on keeping on, working away and focusing on my pipe dream and refuse to be a victim.
I’m not a victim. I’m a warrior.
To all those in a situation of bullying – please speak out. I know that’s all you hear, but it’s so very important. My situation is unique, and believe me when I say I WILL find a solution. You can do. Please don’t suffer alone – message me on twitter @anxiwarrior.