Moaning Mary

Confession: I’ve been a bit of a Moaning Mary recently and it’s a bit rubbish.

The last few weeks have been a bit up and down to say the least. My mood has been off the chart, either elated to be going to a zoo, or crippled because I’ve got to go to work. It’s been quite tough to keep track, and things have slipped as a result, but it’s time to get myself back together.

Yes, work isn’t great, but the only reason I still suffer there is because a) I’m loyal to the company and with a few recent changes, my leaving would throw a fairly large spanner in the works, and b) the ol’ faithful – Anxiety. I’m not good in certain one-on-one situations, so the idea of an interview for a job where I don’t fully know what would even be expected of me i.e. presentations, high end meetings, extensive travelling etc, it’s not the easiest thing to go at.

I also feel a bit stuck in a rut – I’ve no get up and go. I’m half way through my 90 day SSS plan and I’ve had to reset cycle 2 twice just because I’m finding it tough to focus and remain on track thus resulting in the consumption of embarrassing amounts of cake. I can’t be bothered to do house stuff, I haven’t done the garden, car’s filthy, I rarely cook anything spontaneous anymore. I just don’t feel like it – and that’s just not me. So this post is me trying to get my head around where things went wrong, and what I can try to do in order to fix it.

First things first, I’m making a list. I’m going to list all the things I need to do this week including update my blog (Check!), sort house insurance, mow the lawn, wash the car, update my CV and tidy the garage out. This should hopefully clear my head a bit to focus on a couple of new projects I’ve been wanting to start but have never gotten around to.

Secondly, I’m getting back into cooking. I love to cook, I either create strange concoctions that seem to work, or follow some recipes that I love, and this is what I need to start doing more often.

And third, I need some time for me. I’m so wrapped up in sorting things out for everyone else. I focus too much on work, on whether other people are happy, on what I should or shouldn’t be doing. I just need to go for a walk or something. Hear bird sing, dodge goose shit near the local lake. All these things we take for granted.

Lastly, I’m arranging some challenges. My one-on-one anxiety has been around for a while but only in certain situations. For example, I haven’t had a hair cut in over 3 years (My GF does it, I’m not like Gandalf). These small challenges will build me up to eventually go to an interview full of confidence and zero panic. It’ll be tough to think of enough, so any ideas welcome!

So yea, say goodbye to Moaning Mary. I recon in a few days I’ll be all happy ‘n’ that.

4 Comments

  1. I am 41 years old and have suffered with anxiety that is best described as crippling. I hate it with a passion, it has caused so much pain and regret in my life. For most of my adult life I have ran from it and used alcohol or pills to numb the pain. But these past two years I have worked on my demons and got to the root cause of a lot of it. I am not saying I am cured by any means, I still have days of terror, days that I can barely get out of bed, days that I am afraid to see anyone, and my biggest anxiety trigger, is failure. I label the slightest bump or mistake as a huge failure and it creates even more anxiety. I am on meds, see an addiction counsleor, go to small groups and see a doc. It all has helped, but the bad days piss me off and it feels like I will never feal a sense of peace or belonging in this world. One question, what has helped you the most in conquering your anxiety?

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    1. Hey. Firstly, thank you for reading my blog. I appreciate everyone who takes time out of their day to read about my little journey. I’m sorry you’ve been struck with the crippling anxiety that controls so many of us, but makes me happy that you feel you’re gaining a little bit of control. What helps my anxiety the most? There isn’t really one thing that I could pin it on. I have a great set of people around me that are constantly pushing when I need it, but supportive when I can’t face the anxiety. However, the turning point for me was CBT. It wasn’t until my first therapy session that I finally met someone who got what I was saying. The lady helped me face so many demons and allowed me to understand my anxiety. From there, I just kept fighting, I fight every single day in whatever situation I’m faced with. Knowing anxiety is in my mind allows me to focus on beating it, because if I’m creating it, then I can definitely get rid of it. Just always fighting

      Liked by 1 person

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