I’ve blogged and tweeted recently expressing my recent tough times, and to be frank, they don’t seem to be getting much better. Work is really bringing me down, and I’m at breaking point.
“Why don’t you leave?” I’m often asked. “Just get another job”. I wish so much that for me it was as simple as that. I wish I could just apply, do the interview, smash it, and go head first into a tonne of new challenges. However, for someone so crippled with anxiety, there are so many fears that come with “Just getting another job”. First, the interview. I’m no good at one-on-ones or presentation style set ups, so to put me in a room with stranger(s) is a recipe for disaster where panic is concerned. Secondly, imagine I get through the interview and get the job. How do I know I’ll even be mentally capable? Being the manager, I’m able to dictate my role to suit my strengths. Yes, perhaps this offers excuses when it comes to anxiety, but after 4 years of solid struggle, I’m caution to go head first into something new and attempt to tackle so many new challenges and end up back to square one.
So yes, I should just get another job but for me it’s not as easy as it sounds.
You know what else isn’t easy? Asking for help. I feel very fortunate and privileged that so many people on twitter contact me for support and help. To them, I’m faceless with the name “Anxiety Warrior” like some strange little gladiator, but for some reason people trust me enough to open up, and I’m so grateful of that. I spend most days tweeting and messaging people and helping them through situations they’re struggling with (and I wouldn’t have it any other way), but lately I’ve felt I’ve needed the same but haven’t felt able to ask.
For what reason, I’m not sure. Embarrassment? Shame? Feeling unworthy? Who knows, but for someone who’s motto is “Don’t suffer alone” I feel like I’ve been failing to take my own advice. So tonight, I decided to reach out. I dropped a message to my really good friend Bob who always seems to know what to say and understands where I’m coming from. I’ve also been talking to “Sky diving” Rach, who’s absolutely brilliant and offers kind words when I need them. Amongst these two, theres my twitter family who I know will get behind me when I’m most in need – I just have to learn to ask.
So, I guess the moral of my post is this: There are a tonne of people out there waiting to hear your story, waiting to listen to your problems, and ready to offer advice and guidance to put you on the right path. Whether it’s work, family, relationships, health or just that anxiety/depression seems to be pissing you off – you’re not the only one to go through it.