Billy No Mates

Sorry if I’m getting a bit blog happy lately, but as things get on my mind I’m going to share them for 3 reasons: 1) to get it off my chest, 2) to maybe get some answers and 3) to hopefully help someone else going through the same thing.

This weekend, it’s my social life (or lack there of). I’ve never been a social butterfly, and although I get on really well with people I come into contact with, I’ve never really been fortunate enough to have a group of really close friends. The last group of friends weren’t that good to me in all honesty, used me for money/car driving/generally being not very nice people so now I don’t really see them anymore. Yes, I have people I go out for dinner with sometimes, I get on with everyone at work really well and when I tend to meet strangers, it’s not long before I’m laughing and joking with them which I *think* makes me likeable at least.

What I’ve never really mastered is making really good friends and I don’t really know why. Often, it doesn’t bother me too much. I tend to go out for meals fairly regularly or pop out to the cinema or whatever, or even have friends over. The time it bothers me the most is now – when the GF goes out, I’ve nothing pressing to do and I have absolutely no one to contact to say “hey, you fancy doing something?”. I feel like everyone is getting on with their own lives and I don’t have that connection with someone on a friend level to just be able to call on and do something with.

I’m always nice to people, always try to make the effort and even through anxious times I put myself out there to try and get to know people, but for some reason it’s just never clicked.

So I guess my question is, how does a 30 year old with anxiety and very little hobbies actually meet people and become good friends? I just want to be able to pop to the pub for a bit of food and a drink, or a wander through town having a laugh and doing a bit of shopping. Just normal, every day stuff.

I get that a lot of people say “take up a course” or “attend activity groups” but it’s just not that easy to do when, like me, you’re intimidated at the thought of going to such events and putting yourself out there in the hope that someone will take a liking to you. I did join “Meetup” for my local area but again I find the whole thing quite intimidating. So you can see how tricky it is…

If anyone’s got experience in this kind of thing, or even if you live in the South Yorkshire area and would like to meet up for a drink, you know where I am!

6 Comments

  1. Starting a hobby of a physical nature could be a good one, as we know exercise is only good for our anxiety. You don’t have to be a master of something to learn things! lets just get ourselves out there and see. Tai chi is a good one. I’m put off as well by the idea of going out solely to meet people. Extroverts will love the idea i guess.

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  2. Nothing wrong with being blog happy! Gives me something to read.

    I have a similar problem, but its not similar in a lot of ways (so, its different then, eh Amy?). I have very few very close friends and that does me. I can meet new people, get along with them and everything but I find that people ultimately disappoint and hurt me. And, I know it is my fault. I have high standards of myself and the people around me and very few people can meet those standards so I have very few people in my life. But, in the same way as you this leaves me without anyone I can text “cheeky Nando’s?”.

    All I can say is you seem a lovely chap, and people taking advantage of you is their fault not yours. Like Daniel says the hardest thing is getting yourself out there, and even then you have got to find people who -get- you, and who will see your anxiety so clearly that they can see through it.

    I would recommend keeping an eye on local college adult education courses, most of them offer taster sessions so go and try them out, everything from flower arranging to Mandarin to life art. You never know!

    And if you don’t feel up to going, then explore why. If it is the anxiety talking explore what it is and see if you can work through it to any degree, and if it is because the people suck big hairy monster balls, then don’t go back.

    It’s not easy and anyone that tells you so doesn’t understand the way the anxiety monster works. But, you are a warrior! You are stronger than the monster, and every step you take out of its clutches is a momentous victory. There is no simple answer, you have to do what you feel able to do, and be brave enough to mingle with people who will turn out to be idiots some of the time.

    I wish you the best of luck and look forward to the next update!

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    1. Thank you for reading. It’s definitely something I need to try. I’ve started a CBT course today so I’m hoping that will give me some tools to push myself out there into situations I’d normally find hard. Watch this space!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope the course is everything you want it to be. If you need any tips give me a shout, been there and got the certificate! 🙂

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