Anxious fertility.

As a young and single 20 something, kids were not on my agenda. I’d helped raise a niece and that was more than enough, and I was happy to think that was my contribution to the world. Since then, I met my girlfriend who craved kids. I’d told her I was indifferent, having kids didn’t mean anything to me really. As time went on, people around me began starting their own families and I began to feel more open to having kids. I was quite happy to live life without kids if that was what my life would end up like, but part of me began wanting to start my own little family. After some time and some discussions, we decided to start our own family and lat August my Girlfriend came off the pill and we began ‘trying’. 

Cut to 13 months later, and the trying is ongoing. Nothing has happened. Nothing. The only difference in my life now from 13 months ago is that I’ve never wanted a child more than what I do now. 

Committing my life to another person, another little human, was quite anxiety inducing for me. It was a big decision that took a lot of conversations but ultimately I decided that anxiety wouldn’t stop this happening for me, so we got on with it, but things would turn out less simple than we thought. 

Due to our fertility difficulties we’ve began having tests. My GF went for blood tests and had discussed me going for my own. This is where things get more difficult than I expected for my anxiety. Anything medical is an anxiety nightmare for me, so going to the doctors in the first place would be hard, never mind the topics that would be discussed – embarrassment overload. My GF is very understanding, booked us both in and said ‘it’s up to you if you go, you don’t have to’, but deep down, I knew I had to. 

I began tweeting in the morning about my nerves. Anxiety had kicked in, and eating breakfast was difficult, but I got through most of it and off we went. This is where things got strange. 

I was sat in the waiting room with my GF, she was nervous about the results and began picking at her thumb (it’s her thing) and I was shaking my legs ‘in preparation’ of my anxiety. 

‘It’ll happen any minute, I better shake my legs. It’s coming any second’. The strange thing was that it never did. I wasn’t shaking my legs because I was anxious, I was shaking them because I thought I should be, so I stopped. I realised I wasn’t anxious at all and that was so strange for me. This was meant to be the worst thing I’ve been through, anxiety should be taking over my whole body yet nothing was happening. We were called into the doctors room and off we went. 

My GFs hormone results came back all clear which was amazing, but now she has to go for more invasive tests, which she’s worried about. Then, the conversation turned to me. This was the bit I was dreading, but still no anxiety! I wasn’t even thinking about it! The doctor was very discreet, and explained everything clearly for me, gave me everything I need and off we went. 

Anxiety didn’t phase me that day, I kept it at bay while we go through one of the most challenging things together. 

The problem I have now is the ‘What ifs’. 

What if I can’t have kids? What if my GF can’t have kids? What if I’m the one stopping my GF from doing something she’s always wanted? Will she stay with me? Is that even fair on her? Surely she deserves to be with someone who can give her the future she really wants? 

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I do know we’re in it together and whatever the outcome we’ll tackle it together. 

It’s been 13 months since we began trying, and the only difference between then and now is that I’ve never wanted a child of my own more than what I do. It’s incredible how your perspective changes when the choice to have children is potentially taken away from you. 

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