Anxious Fertility Pt. 3

As part of our fertility journey, I’ve been writing about the process and our progress. Last two posts are here (Pt 1) and here (Pt 2)

So today was the next step. We’ve submitted various samples and done various things and today was our first consultation with a doctor at our local fertility clinic.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I’d googled various sites to try and find out what would happen but they were written mostly by women with information I couldn’t even begin to understand, so settled on the fact I’d just have to go with the flow.

Anxiety-wise, a big trigger for me is anything medical, so to attend something like this is usually a big deal for me. What surprised me was that I hadn’t felt too anxious about it. I slept well the night before and hadn’t been off my food including breakfast, which was good.

We set off and although I didn’t want to talk much, I felt OK, until I saw the hospital sign.

My stomach kind of twinged, heart rate increased pretty instantly and I knew my anxiety decided I wasn’t going to be fully OK today. We found a spot and walked to the section we needed to be in.

In there, anxiety subsided. My stomach was still aching, legs a bit wobbly but I felt ok, quite confident. However, a nurse came out and shouted someone with a very similar name to me and BANG there it was totally out of the blue. I thought I’d got it under control but not as well as I thought!

Eventually they called our name and we had to go into a room with a nurse while they weighed my GF (she took off her boots and made sure the nurse knew she was on slimming world which made me lol. She’s beautiful). I had to answer some questions and then we went through to the doctor. By now my anxiety was in full swing, I had the leg tremor, I was really hot and my heart was going. The room itself was boiling too, which didn’t help at all. My girlfriend was answering more questions about health, family history etc. and afterwards the doctor turned to me to ask questions. Out of the blue, and very unplanned, I just said:

‘You’ll have to bare with me, I suffer with anxiety’.

I just said it. I’ve never done that before but I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed. I wanted to get through that appointment to the best of my ability so I opened up and told them. The doctor was very understanding as I said this and said ‘it’s fine don’t worry, you’re doing fine’. Out of the corner of my eye unnoticed the nurses head shoot up from what she was reading and look at me for a while, I wasn’t sure why.

I answered the questions and nod way through the nurse interrupted the doctor and said ‘if you feel like you need a bit of fresh air, you can go out at any time it’s no problem at all’. They were both incredible, so kind and understanding, very thoughtful and allowed me the time I needed to settle and get through it. Because of their understanding, my anxiety eventually lifted (to an extent) and we sailed through the rest of the appointment, had our next steps and we were on our way.

Basically, he results show that biologically were both fine. My sperm is, as described by the doc ‘very good indeed’ 💪🏻💦 and the GFs hormones and bloods are also very normal along with various internal stuff coming back clear too. The next step is a dye test to check my GF physically and if that comes back clear, it’s classed as ‘unexplained infertility’. I hate the term ‘unexplained’ because then there’s no answer. We just have to go for further fertility treatments.

So for now, we wait for appointments and head towards the next phase of our journey together. I’m so glad I opened up at our appointment because it meant I could be myself and get through it the only way I know how – to fight.

Thank you to everyone in my twitter family and friends for your well wishes and support today. You all know who you are and it’s all very much appreciated.

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