Crumbling.

I wasn’t sure whether I would write this post, but as this is my own form of therapy, it seems like now is the perfect time as, to be honest, I’m in a bit of a tangle. This isn’t for sympathy, I just need this information out of my mind.

As many of you know, last week myself and my girlfriend found out that we were to have a baby. 14 long months of trying, fertility tests and anxiety all stripped away when the little window on the (very expensive) pregnancy test read “Positive 1-2 weeks”. We were so excited. I drove straight to my mums and told her all about it, and couldn’t believe it was happening to us.

Cut to Sunday, sat in the hospital room, waiting for our name to be called out to speak to a consultant. My girlfriend began bleeding (very small amount) Sunday evening and after speaking to the NHS line, they advised we speak to someone. That someone, turned out to be one of the most horrendous doctors I’ve ever dealt with. His bedside manner was nowhere to be seen, his attitude was nothing short of patronising and after 3 questions of “how much, what colour, do you feel ok?” he basically told us she was having a miscarriage, however if only he’d told us that quickly. Instead, he opened with “2/3 of pregnancies end in miscarriage” followed by “it’s just natures way of getting rid of disabled children”. He then suggested my girlfriend have blood tests, which would determine a) if she had any pregnancy hormones and b) if they would increase. He then followed this with “but if you bleed in the night, I wouldn’t even bother”.

This perhaps doesn’t seem so traumatic, but for us, our world literally came crashing down. I felt myself getting wound up and ready to erupt at the lack of empathy when I glanced to my girlfriend and noticed the tears in her eyes, it was so heartbreaking. I collected our things and we went outside where my girlfriend burst into tears. To him (and many others) this was just a 5 week old foetus but for us this is our baby. Our Baby. We’d been handed the world and this man literally ripped it from us in the space of a 5 minute conversation, and we were devastated.

The first blood test was on Monday, which I went along to for support. This was tough as anything like that throws me straight into a panic attack, but I maintained my composure because I knew I had to be there. She had the test and we left. I barely slept that night, not knowing what to expect. My stomach was doing backflips, I felt so tense all day at work and the whole thing was piling up. The results came back on Tuesday showing she had pregnancy hormones – a good sign but not a definite “you’re OK”.

Today I woke up feeling incredibly anxious. Straight away my stomach flipped as soon as my eyes opened and I realised that we were still in limbo as well as knowing I have a full presentation to attend on Thursday which again brings out my anxiety. All of these things building up while trying to main supportive at home and professional at work.

My girlfriend had her blood test today, but sadly I was seconds away from a panic attack and found the whole thing very difficult. So much so, I had to rush out of there just to get me out. I haven’t done that in well over a year and this scares me. All of this trauma seems to be signalling old habits that I really don’t want to fall back into, but at the same time don’t seem to have any control over.

We’re still non-the-wiser. My girlfriend is still bleeding slightly, but feels OK in herself, the results aren’t due until Friday so we’re still waiting, but these last few days have been hell for both of us.

In the space of 5 days I went from elated at the prospect of being a dad, feeling on top of my anxiety and in control, I felt positive about work yet now, a week later and I feel like my world is crumbling around me and I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve cancelled the presentation tomorrow because I just don’t feel ready, I’m trying to push through my anxieties because I’m so scared of relapse, I’m trying to be positive and supportive for my girlfriend because she needs me all while trying to remain positive myself.

Yet inside, I’m crumbling.