It’s weird. Almost 5 years ago, a string of events happened that ultimately knocked me off kilter and my brain had a bit of a wobble. Since then, it’s been a constant battle with the anxious part of me in a bid to get myself back to normal (or close).
Since then, it was actually working. I’d begun to get some kind of normality back, things were finally feeling on track. I felt in control, I felt some kind of freedom, I was beginning to feel unstoppable.
How wrong was I!
After my girlfriend suffered a miscarriage 8 weeks ago, we had to endure probably the worst week of our lives. It was devastating, stressful and quite a lovely experience. Just the two of us trying to cope, me trying to take care of her while staying afloat. What I didn’t know was the effect something like this would have. Since the event I’ve felt old habits coming back. Old fears are worming their way into my head and niggling away at me – and I’m not happy about it!
Going out for meals are becoming difficult, certain work events are tricky, I’m struggling to take taxis with people because I’m anxious I’ll feel ill, and in turn begin feeling ill from anxiety. All of these things I’d managed to overcome are once again being a bit of a bugger.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still able to do a lot of stuff. I can go to the supermarket on a busy Saturday afternoon (I know, I’m an idiot), I’m able to drive down motorways and dual carriageways, in fact I’m able to do almost all things I once could. What scares me is the old anxiety habits that, for whatever reason, make me feel like I’m relapsing. I’m probably not. It’s probably the trauma of what we went through, my brains feeling a bit fragile. Not sure.
I’ll just keep working hard. I’ll keep going to meetings, sharing taxis, struggling through it, fighting anxiety like I always have. I’m not sure if this is me going backwards, a blip, or just me being over dramatic because I’m so bloody exhausted from work.
I guess time will tell. This is where I’m at though. Frustrated, anxious and without chocolate.