Over recent weeks I’ve been battling anxiety demons that I once thought I’d conquered. We all know how it goes, we get anxious, we challenge, we conquer, we get cocky, then anxiety swoops back in like an absolute knob to say ‘hahahah tricked you’ and bam, you’re back to square one, trembling in aisle 5 of Morrisons because you realised it’s a 2 minute walk to the exit which you definitely need to go to for absolutely no reason what so ever.
I’d noticed these feelings coming on but began to push them aside because I felt silly really, that I was allowing these demons to bother me again. It began spiralling, and getting slowly worse but I kept my head down and carried on. I didn’t say anything, do anything, I just carried on.
It was only as I stopped, reset and thought ‘alright knob head (that’s what I call my anxiety disorder and Katie Hopkins) if you want a battle, let’s have one!).
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and I knew I’d probably fall a few times before I get anywhere, but I wasn’t prepared to let it get me again.
My next step was to speak out. You cannot face this kind of thing when no one in your life is aware of it. It’s impossible. I’ve tried for so long and it doesn’t work because you end up in situations where your anxiety (knob head) wants to say ‘nope, sorry, not today!).
Having a mental illness is such a lonely place. I felt so lonely as my old demons began coming back. I’ve got friends on here who offered such incredible support and continued advice through DMs, texts or tweets and it is amazing, but the people around you are the ones that influence the situations you face which draw up negative thoughts and feelings. It’s these people you should try and open up to.
I know it’s not easy, I really do. About 5 people know about my anxiety and that’s it, but those 5 people have a direct impact on how I live my life so that means I’m able to challenge anxiety in a positive way.
I opened up to my girlfriend about the new issues I was facing, and as ever she picks me up, dusts me down and says ‘OK then let’s do something about it’. With her support, I’m getting back on track. I’m not better, but I’m getting here. Not only has she been offering me amazing advice, supporting me where needed, she’s also been baking quite a lot since I bought her a mixer and has fed me brownies which I very much appreciate.
Last weekend saw me face so many different ‘old’ challenges and I succeeded. I documented some of these on #anxietydiary if you want to see. It shows I am capable, and I can do it.
Anxiety is a very lonely place to be, but it doesn’t have to be. If you can’t speak out to family and friends, speak out to me. Let’s talk about it, build on it and let’s get you to a stage where you feel confident you can beat this illness.
If you find yourself walking alone with anxiety, let me walk with you.