I want…

No matter how far we come, how much we fight or how successful we are, there will come a time when things mount up, days don’t feel so great and emotions run high. Today is that day for me. 

I’m really struggling to cope with the ‘impending doom’ anxiety when having to do certain things. Don’t get me wrong I’m managing to do them and everything is fine and all good. It’s the build up. It’s so exhausting. The nausea, the tension, the overactive thoughts. This can be weeks in advance. In fact, I’m best man at a wedding in September 2018, and I’m absolutely dreading that even now. 

I can’t live like this anymore! I just…I just want to feel free again. 

I want to wake up, worry free

I want to come to work and not be worried

I want to go to a show and not be worried

I want to feel comfortable in meetings

I want to be capable of supporting my girlfriend should we eventually have a baby

I want to be happy

I want to feel secure in myself 

I want to be rid of anxiety 

I want to be excited at being a best man

I want to look forward to a holiday

I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. 

I’ve decided from next month I’ll be seeking out and having counselling again. I want to try again to fight this once and for all. I want the tools necessary to beat it and continue to do so. I’m trying my hardest not to see this as a step backwards, but more of a new phase in my fight against mental health. 

I’m tired, I’m fed up, but I’m still strong enough to fight this every step of the way. 

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