I’m not happy

It’s so hard to ‘put on a brave face’ when life doesn’t seem to be going your way at the minute. I know, I’m very fortunate compared to people all around the world in a much worse position than myself, but that doesn’t take away the daily torment my brain seems to take itself through.

It’s such a hard thing to say too, “I’m not happy”. We’re expected to keep these things bottled up because it’s not very positive, or it’s a little bit self indulgent. But why? We all get like this. Everything can’t go your way 100% of the time, it just isn’t a thing, so why can’t we say “Look, I’m struggling today, I feel really unhappy”.

I know I’m in a fortunate position compared to some people, I’m in a relationship with someone I love, my anxiety is under control, I own my own home, have a job that pays a wage, but this doesn’t take away the mundane, the things I hate to do, the things I struggle to do, and the things I’m tired of thinking about day in day out.

I’m not happy. I feel like things are taking over my life and I feel so overwhelmed with it all. I know I need to take control, but when you’re in the thick of it all, it’s so hard to focus on the things that need your attention the most.

I owe my mum £2000 which I’m struggling to piece together. This is playing on my mind to the point it’s causing me tonnes of stress.

I’m overweight, which is completely my own doing, I know this. I also struggle with comfort eating, when I feel low I binge on chocolate and sweets to the point of making myself feel sick. This is something I did when my mum and dad separated, and it’s a habit I kicked when I was 18 but it’s crept back in.

We have been trying for a baby for 2 years almost and nothing. We’re both physically OK, we are both fertile and there are no problems yet it’s just not happening. All we hear is “It’ll happen, just stop thinking about it, stay positive”. It’s been 2 years, my positivity is all but gone. Fertility treatment is an option but the amount of anxiety that gives me makes me feel so scared.

My job is consuming my life. I’ve been there almost 8 years and I’m just done. I had to work my birthday, I had to take a phone call the day my grandad died, I had to work from home the day my girlfriend had a miscarriage. I’ve had to work this weekend because of a pitch I know we won’t get. My life is becoming work and it’s exhausting. Pair that with the fact the business is struggling and all of the above comes with a responsibility that “we need to do this to get the work” which continually piles immense pressure on my shoulders.

Every weekend is taken up doing something. I have to go somewhere. I have to do something. I’ve got chores to do, family to see, friends to help. I have absolutely no time for myself to just be at home, doing what I want to do.

Anxiety is also playing a part in all of the above, as it often does. I’ve struggled for weeks, so I’m hoping my hard work at fighting will eventually pay off because my strength is waning.

I feel so consumed by everything. I’m trying to save up while trying to live a life, trying to lose weight while trying to exercise and be healthy, trying to work full time and support a business while trying to keep home life going while trying for a baby while trying to do my own thing while trying to see friends while trying to see family. It’s just too much and something has to give.

Because I’m just not happy.

 

 

10 Comments

  1. Thank you for posting this. I hope things get a little easier soon. Each battle makes you stronger. I needed to read this so much. Thank you. Take care.

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  2. Thank you for posting this. Things are definitely rough and i know that seeing a bright side is hard when so much bad is consuming you, but while youre busy and trying to make time for everything, think about your husband and how wonderful he is, and think about how great your friends are for understanding. When im feeling that way i first make my time for myself my priority, above anything else. because making time for yourself helps to make you feel calmer and feel like you have a bit more control of your life, i promise things will get better for you, you deserve it. hope this helped even a little. xx

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  3. I appreciate you posting this so much – it’s definitely helped me to see how brave you are to come out with your honest emotions. I know how it feels to not be able to have time to yourself, and constantly give your energy to others when you need it the most. Stay strong. I’m sure things will get better in time. Thank you again!

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