I love to laugh…

It's true. It's my absolute favourite thing. The kind of laugh where it's completely out of control, you make noises you didn't think you were capable of and your stomach aches. I absolutely love it, and I really miss it!

For a while I've thought to myself I don't laugh anymore. I used to laugh all the time, at comedy shows, groups of friends, I was always a giggler and an absolute nightmare in serious situations, and one inappropriate comment later and I'd be fighting back tears of laughter, yet not so much now.

I used to put it down to anxiety changing my personality a bit. After all, we know what a barrel of laughs it is stood in aisle 5 of Morrisons looking for furniture polish when you suddenly have a panic attack for absolutely no reason what so ever. It does change you. Going out anywhere I'm more focused on not trembling because I'm sat i between two people instead of an easy access route rather than laughing at conversations.

However, I don't think I'm completely to blame here. I'm not JUST anxiety. There is so much more to me. My sense of humour hasn't changed, I'm not a different person because of it. What I have noticed is perhaps it's partly due to the people around me.

I was just sat watching a video of This Morning, and Phil and Holly were laughing hysterically at Holly doing a weird noise and the whole studio was in hysterics, including her. Now I know this is a weird reference point but stay with me…

I thought to myself 'God I'd be mortified if that was me and everyone was laughing' and that's where I saw the difference. They aren't laughing at Holly, they aren't trying to make her feel uncomfortable, they're laughing with her. She's happy that people are laughing, she's confident enough to own it because she knows intentions are good and everyone is just being happy, and that's the disconnect for me.

I can't help but feel like the people around me wouldn't be laughing WITH me, but more AT me. I think that's where my problem would be when it comes to having fun. I'm not confident playing games because I'd hate to feel like people are laughing at me. I'd love to be surrounded by people who I can laugh along with, play games, have fun, dance stupidly but I don't think that I am.
So yea, it's not that I don't laugh anymore, I guess it's that sometimes I don't feel like I can. Perhaps I need a better circle of friends, perhaps this is my own little weirdness attached onto my anxiety persona. Perhaps no ones said anything funny and it's just that. God knows.
I miss it though and I think I'm going to focus on getting it back. Yes, I probably laugh really weird, and yes I make odd noises, and OK I have a weird sense of humour. I don't care though, I just want to laugh again!

If you're feeling blue today, watch this video. It really is funny and didn't half make me laugh watching it.

https://youtu.be/PHuLy0DT_84

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3 Comments

  1. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
    Thank you soooo much for sharing this. I don’t remember the last time I really belly laughed myself. Maybe we need a night out to a comedy club or something.

    I do remember in my depths of depression watching tv comedy shows where I’d normally giggle and laugh and not being able to crack a smile at all.

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing! I can totally relate! I got to the point in my mid-twenties where I was so concerned about how others viewed me and controlling depression/anxiety that I stopped laughing. Paired with my inability to think for myself due to codependency on my parents, they believed your too sensitive and out of control if you laugh. I confirmed, basically. It wasn’t until I took control at age 30 that I found the ability to laugh on my own at whatever and anything I want until it hurts and I snort or cry or snot comes out my nose… that’s the beautiful thing! There is NO wrong way to laugh. 😂

    Like

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