No, this isn’t me doing a bad fresh prince impersonation, it is in fact me having a weird mid life crisis at the ripe old age of 31.
It’s all stemmed from therapy, where after talking and opening up, everything just became clear. It’s as if someone’s go some wipers on my brain and they’re in overdrive.
Having talked about various things such as home life and my relationship, we touched upon work. When I explained my job, I told her what I did, how it’s high pressured, stressful and time consuming. I explained how on the morning of my girlfriend’s miscarriage I was made to work from home (until I refused) because a job had to get done, or an hour after my grandads funeral is received a voicemail to call my boss because he needed me in the day after. Not brilliant.
I’ve spoken before of my dislike for the job, I used to enjoy it but things have changed, I’ve changed and my priorities have changed. Annoyingly though, some days I’d go in and I enjoyed it, it was fine, I was quite alright, until something happened and I came crashing back down to reality. I don’t think I ever believed it.
Until in therapy, as we talked about my job, I said the words ‘it’s just a job, I don’t enjoy it, I hate going but It’s a means to an end’, and as I said it, I was taken back and have been ever since. I hate my job. I hate the thing that I sacrifice most of my time for. I bloody hate it. I hate when I have weeks packed with high pressured situations that I know is going to exhaust me, so I dread it for the week before. I hate that even when I’m going through the hardest time of my life, I have a HTML email to build on my kitchen table. I hate that, although I’m away this weekend, I know tomorrow I’m going to get a phone call to talk about my return and ‘prepare’. I hate my job.
What am I doing? I spend 9-12 hours per day there, I sacrifice time with my family and friends for it, I have anxiety because of it, so why am I there? Why stay?
Loyalty. As hard as it is, I’m very loyal to my boss who’s had it tough for a couple of years keeping things going, and he relies on me a lot of the time to basically run his business. I’ve sacrificed wages, my time, holidays and my own money to help the business, I’m very loyal to it, but that’s where it ends.
So what’s next? I leave. I have to. It will be so hard, and I don’t know what I’ll do instead, but I know I can’t do that. Will I work freelance, expanding more into web development? I love to write, can I focus my time there? I’ve always wanted to open my own cafe, surely now is as good a time as any? God knows what I’ll do. The likelihood is be stuck looking for work trying to make ends meet, but at least I can be trying to earn money doing something I’m passionate about.
It’s something I know I have to do. I have to suck it up and just do it. It’ll work out, it has to. Until then though, can anyone lend me a few quid to see me through?