“Life is shit. You can’t escape it, so we have to learn to cope with it”.
Words said by my therapist only last week, as we discussed my anxiety, mindfulness, symptoms and acceptance, and she’s never been more right.
I haven’t written about this for a while because in all honesty we haven’t had anything to write about. There are posts about this here (pt1), here (pt2), here (pt3) and here (pt4). Long story short, we’ve been trying for a baby for 2 years and had 99% unsuccessful results. The 1% of that ended in miscarriage after just 5 days. I sound bitter, because I am. 23 times we’ve either had a negative line or a “nope, not this month” after a visit to the toilet. The one time it didn’t end that way, only turned out to be much worse.
Well, now we’re onto the next chapter in this nightmare we seem to be living. For whatever reason, either some arsehole doesn’t deem us suitable, some bastard stars aren’t aligned or the universe is just being a wanker, it doesn’t seem we’re destined to have a child naturally. I know so many couples go through this and have been doing so much longer than we have and I can’t express my sympathy for you enough. The anger, the irrational jealousy, the feeling like something is missing and fearing that something is wrong. It isn’t spoken about enough, people don’t warn you that it might not work out.
That said, we fully intend on trying our hardest to make it happen. Natural is obviously not the way to go, so next Tuesday we have an appointment with our fertility doctor who we hope will be referring us to the fertility clinic for the next steps. I’m terrified beyond belief. Terrified at the prospect of all the tests, the potential results (up to now we’re fine, but who knows what they’ll find). The prospect of going into a room next to some receptionists to do what should only be done in the privacy of your own home and acting like that’s all natural, then handing them a pot of the good stuff while inside I’ll be hoping someone’s going to just shoot me and end the embarrassment.
I know it’s necessary. I know they’re understanding, I know it’s their job, I know to them it’s nothing. I know all of that, but it does not make the prospect of it any easier. I know my girlfriend has to do so much more, I know she wishes she could swap places. I know.
It isn’t going to be easy. I’ll be taking every tool I have to make this work, I’ll be fighting through it with every ounce of me because I know that’s what it’s going to take to make this happen for us, and that’s OK. It’s OK that I’m going to be scared through all this, many blokes would be. It’s OK that I’ll find it embarrassing. It’s OK that I’m angry, envious, irritable and just fed up of it all. It’s OK that I feel like giving up. As much as I want to give up on all of this, I know I won’t, I know I can’t. I have to use the tools I’ve learnt over the last 5 years to get me to the finish line and to the result we want.
Life is shit. You can’t escape it, so we have to learn to cope with it.