Best to read this post before you continue.
A letter to my Dad:
So, I guess it’s been a while. To be honest, this feels awkward to write, because I don’t quite know what to say. Half of me is scared to open up, the other half wants to go all in so you know exactly how you made me feel but we both know that won’t really get us anywhere, so instead I’ll explain how it has affected me.
You did a lot of cruel things Dad. You rendered us homeless, you deserted us, you treat us so badly and lead us to believe we were guilty of something. You made me cry, sometimes on purpose, you put me in situations that ultimately lead to my mental collapse a few years ago. You were terrible, and for years I’ve struggled to figure out why, or how you could do these things. Well to be honest, I’m done trying to figure it out, because I don’t believe there’s an answer I’ll be happy with.
So instead, I’m deciding that enough is enough. I’ve been plagued by your actions for far too long and I’m done with it. I want to let go, I have to let go, because that’s what is important to me. We both live different lives, you have the family you always wanted and I’m starting to build mine, and the broken relationship we have I believe will always be the same, but before I sign off, I want to take this time to let you know how your actions have impacted the person I am today.
Through it all, the lies, the deceit, the abandonment, I became a good person. I’m compassionate, generous and accepting of people. I’m open minded, honest and true to myself. I’m strong, independent, smart and funny. I’m a good role model to my niece and I’m always I’m there for her. I have a good job, I worked hard to be successful, I’m creative and imaginative. I have an incredible girlfriend who completes me, she’s everything to me and I’m dedicated to making sure she’s happy. All in all, everything turned out OK.
Your parting gift was to give me anxiety and a panic disorder which began to ruin me. Now though, I’m coping, and I’m able to use my experience to sympathise with other people in my position and offer support, guidance and inspiration. I have my ups and downs, but overall I’m coping because of the people around me and online.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, through all of the things you did, I made it. I survived it all and to be honest I’m really proud of myself. I can’t guess what would have happened had you not had an affair, treat us like dog shit and ultimately abandoned us. I honestly don’t know, but I wouldn’t change who I am for the world.
So what’s next Dad? Well, I don’t think we’ll have a relationship because I’m too different now. You won’t be able to walk all over me, or manipulate me, so a relationship just won’t work. Instead, we should focus on being happy. I do honestly want you to be happy. You have the family you always wanted, you all seem very close and that’s good, that should be your focus.
Me? I’m looking to start a family in the near future, and my biggest fear used to be whether I’ll make the same mistakes as you did. Now, I’m focusing on giving my child everything we didn’t have, and being the dad to them that I never had.
As for the past? Well, I’m leaving it there. It’s plagued me, and probably you, for too long Dad. We can’t keep living in the past, wondering what if you hadn’t done those things, what if I’d acted differently, what if I’d just let everything go. We’ve got to move forward and build on our lives. That is now going to be my focus. I’m sad for what you did, but it can’t consume me anymore.
It’s time to let go.