So my last post came across as quite angry and bitter – and quite rightly so! I was both of those things. Since then, I’ve been dealing with those feelings and many more. We’ve had hope (that it might happen before the treatment starts like so many people), sadness at another negative test, anger, depression, low mood – all of these things. The biggest though, was fear.
At our last appointment, we spoke with the doctor and after everything, he was happy to refer us for fertility help. After discussions, we expressed our desire to try IUI first, which means they basically take sperm and insert it higher in the uterus, a way of giving a ‘helping hand’ (no pun intended). We were told our appointment would come through and we should expect to wait no longer than 3 months. In the meantime, we had the chance to get pregnant naturally, and with this news we both felt much calmer.
In the meantime, my girlfriend was contracted to work with a couple going through initial fertility consultations – exactly what we have been referred for. The only difference is, they’re having IVF, but it was a good opportunity to learn about the process and prepare us for what was to come – and terrify me in the process!
Background info – I hate hospitals. Anything medical is a major trigger for me, I find it very difficult, which makes even appointments difficult. So you can imagine my sheer delight when my girlfriend called me after her job to say ‘the appointment is quite straight forward, fairly easy – oh the bit you’ll hate is that you’ll have to give a blood sample.
OK, so to many this is a nothing. To me, this is the pinnacle of anxiety for me. Even thinking about it makes me hot, the fear of fainting that created my panic disorder comes back, it’s so tough. I wasn’t sure I could do it, the thought just seemed impossible and for 2 days I just shut down, wondering how I cope with it, get out of it, try and deal with it.
As a way to try and help me cope, we arranged for a meeting at the fertility clinic with the head nurse to have a walk around, gauge what it’s about, ask some questions and just prepare for our consultation. This in itself was a challenge, but something I needed to do so I could see just how possible this whole thing was.
Man, am I glad we did. We got there, quite a small place with a tiny waiting room and nurses buzzing around, and we weren’t there long before the head nurse came out to meet us. She was lovely, welcoming, understanding and really accommodating. We explained the issues we were facing and that in order to help me, it’s good to see everything and understand it, and she couldn’t have been more helpful.
She reassured me that the doctors and nurses are really welcoming and caring, their aim is to make the whole experience easy to cope with and to ensure we’re as comfortable as possible and for me that’s exactly what I need. Oh, and no blood test! I can’t tell you how happy those three words made me!
She reassured me that they weren’t needed for IUI, and that I could relax – and relax I did.
I’m glad we went, I was anxious to go but the outcome is a calmer approach to the whole thing and I actually feel a bit more in control. I felt I was forced into the whole thing, not by anyone in particular, but just life. In order to get what we want, I HAVE to do this, and there didn’t seem to be an alternative. Well, there still isn’t, but I am able to choose how this all happens and how comfortable I can make it for me.
So the next step is our meeting in a week or so, to begin the actual treatment and hopefully in January, we will get our firsts attempt and making a baby.
OK, so it’s not the perfect way to make a baby, and this will probably be the hardest thing I’ve had to go through thus far, but hopefully the outcome will be everything I’ll ever want – and that to me is perfect.