If you read the rest of my posts, you’ll know I use this as an outlet for my anxiety, and often to seek answers from people. Well, today I’m seeking answers, because I have something coming up that’s going to be extremely difficult during and after to deal with.
Before I go on, I’ll be discussing medical stuff, so if you’re not a fan click here and you’ll be redirected to somewhere magical.
So as I’ve spoken about before, we’re currently going through fertility treatment, and have up to now had 3 rounds of IUI. Although initially I thought it would be difficult, it was actually manageable and we got through it. Sadly it hasn’t worked and the next step for us is IVF.
We had a consultation a couple of weeks ago, and the specialist explained everything, the procedure, what we’ll need to do and answered any questions we had. He was brilliant, really helpful, didn’t rush us at all and was actually quite calming. He booked us in for the next step with the nurses to discuss consent forms which we’re due to do on the 18th. He then uttered a sentence that brought on immediate panic and anxiety:
“You’ll both need to have blood tests to check for Hepatitis”.
Blood tests. Now, I know it’s quite common for people to hate blood tests, I know this, but for me it’s just more than hating it. I’m actually frightened. Not particularly frightened of the needle or whether it will hurt, but I’m absolutely terrified of passing out while I’m in there. Passing out was where my anxiety started in the first place, and although I have the negative thoughts under control, it’s still something that bothers me to this day. Which brings me to my next bit – I’m frightened that it will take me right back.
When anxiety was at it’s worst, I couldn’t think about injections, needles, hospitals or blood tests without having a panic attack. So much so, I stopped going to the gym, stopped driving on motorways and dual carriageways (because I couldn’t control the thoughts), I stopped going out, stopped going to the shops. I couldn’t even stand on my drive washing my car without needing the door open and fast access to my sofa just in case I felt faint or was going to pass out.
What frightens me now is going back to that. Will having the blood test bring everything back? What if I actually do pass out, will that bring everything flooding back to me? Will the physical feeling stick so vivid in my mind that I won’t be able to not think about it? I’ll actually feel it. Will that cause me problems? Will I stop driving on motorways again, stop washing my car, stop going to the shops?
I’m so scared that this tiny little 5 minute event could strip away 6 years of hard work dedication and getting some of my life back, because I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to go through all of that again, and if it was to happen I don’t know that I’d survive it.
I explained to the specialist this was a big problem for me, and he couldn’t have been friendlier, assuring me that the nurses are all very skilled, and some people don’t even feel it (the last time I had one it fucking hurt and the absolute dick of a nurse couldn’t have been harsher about it). He suggested I speak to my GP about getting some diazepam to help relax me beforehand, which is alien as I don’t take any medication for my anxiety or panic disorder.
So I guess what I’m looking for is advice, help, support, anything really to get me through it. (If your support is ‘you’ll be fine it’s not that bad’ then honestly, don’t use your energy typing it because that will definitely not be of any use).
I’ll be requesting that I’m not left in the waiting room for an hour which usually happens, that I have a nurse that knows what she’s doing and none of this “I can’t find a vein” nonsense, they get one attempt and it has to be fast. I’m tempted to ask for diazepam but I’m not sure if it will help? The specialist suggested 2mg but unless it’s 10mg and I’m semi conscious I’m not sure it’s of any use. I’m going to ask if I can lay down just to make things a bit easier, I’m not sure if this will be possible but I can ask. Anything that makes the whole situation easier.
Whatever happens, I have to do this in order to get the family that I want, I just hope I’m strong enough to see it through. I also hope this doesn’t take me back, because in all honesty, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to fight it all again.