Flat line

I usually pre-plan a blog to try and work in some kind of structure and sense into what I’m writing, but this blog will really be me offloading what’s bothering me at the moment in an attempt to shed some weight from my shoulders and put it behind me. If you make it through to the end, you deserve a medal. 

So this weekend I was at a wedding, and as someone with social anxiety, this in itself was a challenge, but I went along and in all honesty didn’t once consider my anxiety. It just didn’t matter, and I was so excited about it. I had a few drinks, not too many, I had a laugh and I even busted a move while I queued for a roast hog sandwich (I was first up to the buffet – standard). The night was coming to a close, and I was looking around for my mother who was fairly drunk by this point and shouting into everyone’s ear how much she loves them while only wearing one shoe and her handbag around her neck. Once I’d rescued her, I went over to the couple to say my thank yous and goodbyes, and this is where it took a turn. 

I went over, and said ‘we’re off, but thank you for inviting us, we’ve really enjoyed it’. Standard reply for this would be ‘thanks for coming!’ Etc. However, my response was:

‘Have you really enjoyed it? Because everyone tells me you’re really witty and funny, but whenever I see you, you’re just flat and miserable, you need to liven up’. 

Yep. 

Now at the time, I brushed it off and said ‘I have to be on my best behaviour now’ pointing to my girlfriend and winking, not really thinking anything of it. It’s only after that it’s really plaguing me. 

Since beginning to conquer anxiety, I’ve been having a bit of a personality crisis, trying to figure out who I am and what I’ve become, and where my old traits seem to have gotten lost. I’m aware I’m not the same person anymore, I’ve grown tougher and more stubborn in order to protect myself from harm, but in doing so I’ve become more caring and considerate, ensuring I work hard to protect those around me. One thing I do try to do is laugh. It’s my favourite thing, to enjoy myself and try to make people happy. So when someone says something like that to me, I can’t help but wonder if I’m losing the old me. The me that everyone used to love but now no one seems to like anymore. Or maybe we’re just growing apart and I’m growing into a different person? I try so hard to give up my time to help other people either on Twitter or in real life. I don’t mind at all when someone messages me in a crisis looking for advice, I love that my experiences can help to change people’s lives (or at least I hope that’s the turn out). 

I don’t really know where to go from here to be honest. I can brush the comment under the carpet, as let’s me honest, it’s just one woman’s opinion. The difficulty for me is that when someone points out a flaw in something I’m so insecure about, I can’t help but fester it in my mind, and have it affect me day to day. 

I’d love to hear any advice from people. I’m not fishing for compliments, I just don’t really know how to deal with that kind of comment in all honesty. 

Truth is, I’ll move past it. I’ll grow stronger, I’ll come through it, and who knows I may even build to become an even better version that I am today. And that other woman who felt the need to comment on me so harshly? Well, she’ll just stick to being a fucking bitch. 

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