Confidently lacking

I thought I’d write an impromptu post to help me get through the things that are flying through my head at the minute in a hope to at least get it out. 

Confidence has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. Be it how I look, how I sound, my professional ability or just my own personality in general, for the last 20 years it’s been a big issue for me. 

Since the separation of my parents, I guess I’ve always looked for approval since my dad didn’t seem too bothered about me when I was a 10 year old young kid. I’ve always looked to friends for approval that I’m worthy of their friendship, approval from communities around me that I’m relevant and deserve to be part of it, approval from my girlfriend that she does in fact fancy me in spite of the belly I’m carrying, or the ginger twinge in my hair that became the reason I was picked on throughout my younger years and teenage years. 

‘Am I a nice guy? Are people just humouring me? Is what I’m saying making sense? Do I look ok? Oh no did I do the right thing? Am I really that likeable?’

Recently I sent out a tweet with a poll, purely for clarification that what I’m saying gets people’s approval and to ensure I’m not doing the wrong thing and the result was that 90% of people were happy that what I was tweeting helped, but yet I still don’t feel like that was enough, I’m STILL worried. 

I don’t know whether this will always be a part of me. Hope not, it’s a bit rubbish, but I’ll continue to work on it and try to better myself. So yea, that’s all really. Bit of a Debbie downer post. Sorry. (See, more approval rubbish!)